I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
