No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
