No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
