My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
