Do you still have your period?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
