The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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