The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
