Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
