she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
