I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
