well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
