Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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