I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
