Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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