I just saw a hot homeless man
I cockslap morals
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
