Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
