well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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