I want to have your abortion
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
