fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
