finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
