Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize