she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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