The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
