theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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