When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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