Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
