it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
