i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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