Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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