Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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