My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I will be naked everywhere
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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