Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
