On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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