okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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