My Higher Power is John Stamos
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There r osticjed everywhere
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
