so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
