Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My penis needs a shock collar
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
