Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
