Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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