Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
