i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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