put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
