Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
