i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
