i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
