My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
