i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
