Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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