I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize