you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
