drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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