im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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