i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
