I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
