my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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