1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She's JV to your varsity
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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