i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
